#i'm also just trying to figure out voice. cuz i really don't fucking have it

[forsakenmissives]

[dj khaled voice] anotha one (fic i might never finish)

Jamie was fucking tired of it. Roy was a fucking sight on the pitch, and Jamie knew he knew how to guide the team to greatness and had countless lessons in fame, but fuck if he wasn’t dull when it came to literally everything else.

“No,” he said, “I’m not dating your sister. I don’t even fucking want your sister!” He paused, then added, “She’s mad lovely, though. Nothing against her.”

“Last you said, she was fit,” Roy growled, because that’s the only way he's able to communicate.

Jamie rolled his eyes. “Yeah, ‘cause it’s true and ‘cause it’s fun winding you up. You really never realised?”

Roy glared, though it wasn’t that much different from his expression before.

Jamie sunk deeper into his chair, defeated, and sighed. “Look, mate, your sister is fit, but have you ever considered it’s ‘cause she’s a Kent? And — and you always think I’m trying to fucking... fuck the women close to you, if not her then it’s Keeley, and look, I like them, I love Keeley, but not like that, and have you ever considered that—.” Jamie swallowed, fingers curling into his palms, nails biting into the skin. This was it; the big reveal. He could just keep his mouth shut and nothing would have to change.

But Roy just kept looking at him, and Jamie said it anyway: “Have you ever considered that all I’ve ever fucking wanted is you?”

Finally, Roy glanced away, and Jamie took a breath, then Roy closed his eyes, and Jamie saw him count to three — fucking... anger? He was angry at Jamie for this? And Jamie prepared for a fight, a fist flying at his face, even though he thought they’d left that behind in the alleyway behind the club, mostly because they were fucking shit at fistfighting, and really Jamie had just wanted Roy’s hands on him and didn’t know what else to do and it’s like a fucking primal instinct, reacting to Roy’s fire with flames of his own, but instead of punching him, Roy just shook his head and asked, “You think I’m fit?”

Jamie couldn’t help it — he laughed, and it was slightly hysteric, slightly too bright and too sharp and too much, but it was just unbelievable. That’s what it was. “Fucking hell, Roy! Yes! I’ve just had your poster up on me wall for the past fucking thirteen years for shits and giggles, yeah.”

Roy scoffed but dipped his head. “Alright. Alright.” He took a swig from his bottle, and Jamie determinedly looked away but in a way that wasn’t obvious. Still, when his eyes went back to Roy, he found Roy to already be watching him. Jamie licked his lips. Roy’s gaze lowered and followed the movement.

It wasn’t an answer, but Jamie felt confident. He leaned forward, and Roy didn’t stop him. Still, the first touch of their lips was soft and tentative and the most chaste first kiss Jamie’s ever had. He loved it, and he didn’t think about if it would happen again. He’d make sure it happens again.

When he pulled away, Roy’s eyes were still shut, and his brow was furrowed. Jamie just barely held back from tracing his tongue across his lips, curious if he’d be able to taste Roy, if there was anything in a kiss like that.

He felt like he was twelve again, sneaking around with one of the boys from the academy. But this was even more nerve-wracking because, well, it’s Roy fucking Kent, innit? National hero, Jamie’s first gay wank fantasy, probably Jamie’s greatest love after football and his mum. He’d been confident, but now he was readying for things to go tits up.

Roy opened his eyes. “You fucking mean it, then?”

Jamie blinked. “Uh, yeah. Yeah. ‘Course I mean it. I love you.” And he hadn’t meant to say that, and he for sure fucked it, but at the same time he felt lighter, like the full truth had finally been revealed.

And Roy didn’t look mad or disgusted or like he was going to up and leave Jamie there by himself at the bar, even though it was his own fucking house, and Jamie felt himself take a breath.

“Roy?” His voice was small. “You don’t have to say anything back, or, well, I’d like it if you did, but it doesn’t have to be that. Just. Just—”

“Jamie?”

“Yeah, coach?”

The glare he got in return for that was perfect, and he felt tingles all over. He smiled, hesitant. Roy rolled his eyes, grabbed the front of Jamie’s shirt, and pulled him into another kiss.

[fluffytriceratops]

I am DESPERATE for some 2k3 Donatello dating headcanons, literally give me anything PLEASE I AM OBSESSED

𝐃𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 - 𝐃𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨 [𝟐𝟎𝟎𝟑]

notes: i gotchu bestie. <3 lemme know if you guys want these for the other 2k3 turts as well! :D also sorry for taking literal ages to get this request done for you! thank you sm for requesting i hope you have a wonderful day/night! <3

warnings: brief nsfw mentions, mature language, 

tags: @thelaundrybitch @turtle-babe83 @leosgirl82 @rheawritesforfun @s-s-ironnie @post-apocalyptic-daydream @mysticboombox @drowninghell @lec743 @raphielover  @raphslovemuffin80 @squirrelfurs @bibiz82 @pheradream-15 @kikithedreamerwriter @m1dnyt3-w0lf @scholastic-dragon @moonsua1 [if i've forgotten anyone i'm so sorry please comment or dm me and let me know and i'll add you right away so i don't forget in the future!]

(if you would like to be tagged in my future tmnt x reader related work, feel free to let me know and i'll happily add you!)

i love you all sm! i'm sending all the virtual hugs and well wishes to you!! <33

---

- as usual, 2003 donnie has an obsession with coffee. so if you get this mans some coffee expect an INSTANT marriage proposal. [honestly what ver of donnie doesn't have a coffee addiction?] 

- likes to do your hair. it's calming to him and helps him think. hes watched a lot of youtube videos and stuff for it, so he knows what he's doing too. he likes to try new styles n stuff on you. everyone knows when he's particularily stressed or can't seem to figure something out because you seem to have a new hairsyle everyday until he's fixed whatever it is that's bugging him, 

- will also handmake beads and stuff to put in your hair. <3 

- makes jewelry for you, esp out of silverware and other things. it always turns out so beautifully. 

- late night drives. donnie has insomnia and his brain works a lot during the night/evening. so expect to hang out a lot with him during this time. driving at night at new york is super pretty and peaceful too. esp when it's just the two of you. [so long as you don't mind the hectic city hehe-]

- cuddling with him while he works. includes sleeping on him/in his lab when he works really late into the night. he'll later carry you to bed. 

- painting on his shell/body for funzies. and if he does the same to you don't expect it to look too great because 2k3 donnie can't draw for shit. 

- donnie will gift you homemade cards with stick figures on the cover cuz again he cant draw but he knows you'll adore it no matter what just because he made it. plus you think its funny as hell and he adores your laugh. 

- hes actually really good at photography. and he has loads of pictures of you. you two go out and take pictures together sometimes. it's always a lot of fun. and they always turn out great. 

- late night talking sessions are a normal for you. 

- donatello tries his best to get you to sleep at a decent time, but sometimes you'll refuse if he isn't coming to bed with you just to get him to go to sleep earlier. he'll probably lay with you for a while, unable to actually sleep. maybe he'll read or listen to music to help pass the time. sometimes he will also sneak back out of bed once you've fallen asleep, and when you catch him you give him a good talking to. 

- he really needs to take better care of himself. he's always putting those he cares for above himself. so you're always there to make sure he's okay and that he's doing what he needs to do to be happy and healthy. 

- you guys hardly ever fight. donnie isn't one to argue with you. he's a very gentle and kind soul. he rarely raises his voice. (but when he does you find it hot as FUCK- lets be honest--) 

- fix it felix. always fixes things for you, even if you dont ask it of him. if he's at your place and notices something needs to be fixed he'll just do it for you. even if you insist he doesn't have to, he will anyway because he loves you. it brings him joy. and honestly, you should just let him because it probably stresses him out a little thinking about how your door isn't closing properly or your car sounds funny or your light keeps flickering- 

- you like to prank him on occassion, this includes the whole "i filled my tank with the special gas-" or "i let them put premium air in my tires and they gave me a really good deal". it freaks and stresses him out, at least in the moment hehe. its very funny but keep in mind he'll get you back. 

- him reading to you sfghfdgkjhdfg (id die please-) esp if you have trouble sleeping or something. 

- coffee dates are a must. even if you dont drink coffee. 

- donnie napping curled up on your chest/on top of you. you tracing the grooves of his shell. you've learned he finds this very comforting and it helps him fall asleep. 

- hes a definite switch- lmao.

- very gentle and understanding. he's like your personal diary or therapist and you're the same for him. 

[yuurivoice]

Happy pride month! I was wondering if you would ever make a trans character or if its ok to headcanon any of you characters trans. I really headcanon faust being ftm cuz i relate to him so him

I never mind anyone headcanoning a character as trans. I think it's dope. I think in terms of my content specifically, particularly characters I voice, I shouldn't just make and portray a trans character as most of my boys are particularly geared to sell smut in addition to the plot, and that's a whole additional layer of stuff to consider because it's like...yo why is this cis guy profiting off something that should be handled with thoughtful consideration.

That being said, I'd like to explore my creativity outside of the bounds of just the audio roleplay medium. I'd like to write and tell stories in many ways, some of which absolutely involve creating characters that don't look like me, and have very different experiences from me.

When that time comes, I'll be figuring out a process for sensitivity reads, talking with all sorts of people to gain further insight and understanding before just...making things.

It's something I try to be conscious of. I don't think a creative has to only stick with whatever lived experience they have gone through, but I think it is the bare minimum to do the legwork to understand people and whatever stories you tell, know that you may be waving flags that are not your own, and that comes with responsibility. It might also come with shutting the fuck up. You won't be able to please everyone in a scenario like that, and sometimes you just have to accept it.

I've been very lucky to have spent a pretty significant part of my life getting to know people who aren't like me. That's only scratching the surface, but if I have one strength, it's listening. I don't always get it right, or know all the things, but that awareness is why I'd take those extra steps to grasp wtf I'm about to tackle in my work.

And if I think it's beyond me, I'll also know when to hang my hat up and move along.

All of that being said, I certainly have no issue with a trans Faust headcanon. I've spoken before about how he's about as close as I'll get to publicly exploring my own complicated thoughts on my gender and whatnot. I don't think I'll ever be comfortable enough to delve top deep into that in my public facing work just because while I trust my core audience to be great to me, that's the sort of thing that I don't think I'd want to go out of my regular orbit and leave me explaining myself to strangers on the internet. 😂

[echoing-gravity]

Blind Earthshaker Au

I wanna see a series rewrite where everything is the same except Percy is blind but can see better than everyone around him and has Katara's ice bending and toph beifong's Seismic Vibration Senses.

Like his dad is called the earth SHAKER so I don't think he can bend the earth too well but Percy is like feeling and making tiny vibrations/Earthquakes with his feet to see. He's super weak to air based projectiles think arrows. Or like literally anything a wind spirit picks up and throws in his general direction.

(He will tap his foot like an angry rabbit when hes stressed or caught off guard. I'm thinking wind spirits since they don't touch the ground OR have any water inside their bodies)

He can also "see" like where all the water is around him in a certain distance. Like mentally he has a 3d map of where things are. He doesn't like going places where theirs not a lot of water/or gorund. he can like tell when people are nervous by the speed of their blood flow/ the rhythm of their hearts. And is super precise with his ice bending be cuz of it.

Maybe Sally dies early or something and like we've got like 7 year old blind Percy wandering the streets but like since he can see where all the monsters are with his vibration earthy senses he can avoid them really well. Like "oh huh that guy has Hoooves? Nope. Percy outta here. Noo thanks." Since the mist is mostly sight based, and stuff, I feel like Percy would have a HUGE advantage.

In cannon it's shown that Percy is like really clairvoyant, what with all his dreams and stuff. So in my au he knows about the big three pact, and is just bullshiting people into thinking he's related to Khione goddess of snow and ice. And desperately trying not to let into the fact that he's blind.

(Luke/or/annabeth/or/Leo/or/Rachel/or Whoever he ends up being best friends with figures it out eventually be cuz theyve been friends for so long.)

At some point he runs into an 11yr old Luke pre- Luke meeting Thalia&Annabeth. And then we have them having the dynamic of Percy being a manic feral little shit and Luke trying to be responsible and protect him but ends up being the one protected all the time. I think it'd be funny.

Or maybe he runs into 7 year old annabeth and they become badass -cant be beat- besties. Percy snipe murdering every spider in a quarter mile radius, after he finds out annabeth is afraid of them.

I'm more partial to the meets Luke one cuz then when Percy and annabeth go on their first quest we'd get this fucking glorious scene:

Annabeth: no don't look Percy! You'll die!

Unhinged feral blind Percy: hahaha bitch u thought!!! *He says as he uncaps riptide witch was hidden in his hand.*

Medusa: *gurgling noise be cuz there is now a sword in her neck.*

Or in book two:

Circe standing with Percy Infront of enchanted mirror: isn't there Something u wish u could change about ur appearance? Drink this magic smoothie!

Unhinged feral blind Percy: haha bitch YOU THOUGHT.

Circe is now being held at knife point. (Or.. smootie- icicle point?)

Or if a pissed off god flashes their true form.

Hera: how... how are you alive?!

*Percy with his head tilted/angled so it looks like he's looking at them.*

Percy: *sing-songy voice* I know something yoooouuu doooonnntt! :)

Or if he gets hit by cupids arrow.

Cupid: the next person u look at with direct eye contact you will fall helplessly in love with them.

unhinged feral blind Percy: HAHAHA BITCH GUESS WHAT!

I'm sure there's more areas in the books or just Greek mythos in general where being blind is actually an advantage, but I can't think of any off the top of my head.

Or oooor -this is the one that I see being most likely to happen- hear me out: he runs into LEO. Since Hera was using the mist like crazy to hide him, but Percy is unaffected/immune to the most because He. Can't. See. It.

They steal/hijack an RV to live in. That could be cool. Leo has trama based on like burning people, right? Percy in canon Swam in LAVA, boy is fire-fucking-PROOF!! Fire and ice friends!

('oh my gods, they were roommates' perleo shipping intensifies)

Leo probably: you're nickname shall be Snowflake. Becuz ice powers.

Leo mentally: "wow! this person is really pretty, and funny and is like me, AND THEIR FUCKING FIREPROOF?"

Leo mentally: lets get fucking married.

Or maybe Sally doesn't die and Percy's blindness is known. He goes to school and guess who volunteered to help read his paperwork to him. That's right our favorite eco-rights activist: Rachel Elizabeth Dare!

Since Percy is blind he doesn't? Have dyslexia? I'm not entirely sure about how to explain this one. But like he's blind. People read things for him. (so he isnt effected by having dyslexia, becuase someone else is reading things for him.) He'd have good grades. Percy is sooo fucking smart. But like no one remembers cuz annabeth is always putting him down with all that doubt in canon. "Seaweed Brain!" I hate that nickname. Fuck canon annabeth. U don't have to put others down to have confidence in yourself omfg.

someone who isnt me write it. this is a writing prompt go! fanfic writers gooo!

[slashingdisneypasta]

Okay I'm gonna rant about my mum now, cuz I need to. Don't read under the cut if you don't wanna be dumped on!

This woman-- oh my God. Can I just list some of the things that have hurt me or frustrated me?? Okay. Yeah. Let's do that.

Never comforting me (or my brother) when we were little and scared. We were scared of dogs, which was 'inconvenient' to her since it meant we couldn't go to parks. I would literally bite my nail and skin down until I bled when we did and she'd just get annoyed with me like I ruined the day. (Dad did the same thing but has since sincerely apologised. I'm very inclined to think that it was her influence entirely- she has never apologised and when i brought it up one time she laughed it off like i'm being silly)

Constantly makes me feel dependent. And that is the worst thing to be in her mind-- but she won't change her opinion of me that I am?? Like??? The most recent example of this is that I decided I wanted to go back to school (**I** decided)... and then she made the whole thing about her 'pushing' me to do it. Like it was so hard to get me on track. How the fuck did she get to that? This was my decision!! I brought it up first!!

Also on that 'dependent' thing- I am independent to a f a u l t now because of her. For example, I don't care if it's hailing outside with gail force winds, something in me feels disgusted with myself if I accept a ride home.

Oh, more on that dependent thing! I remember going to an evening job interview one time and it was dark when I got out. I thought I could get home on my own so I started walking... turns out it was the wrong direction and I ended up in a very bad area, at night, crying uncontrollably outside a 7-11. She still wouldn't come get me (she was at her boyfriends place) and sent me an uber. There was a random goddam lady getting petrol who was kinder to me, asking if I was okay and offering me a ride home.

A very similar thing happened when I was even younger, 14-16. I got myself stranded in a bushy area and had to walk my ass home- in 35 degree heat, without shoes (cuz mine were so worn out the soles killed), with no water, back to the motherfucking suburbs.

OH! Another thing about her. After she and my dad split up, you know what I noticed??? My brother, sister and I got along so much better when we were with our dad and so much *worse* with mum. You know why?? Cuz she nutures catty behaviour, which is probably why she can't get along with her sister's or her mum. She's always talking to us about eachother behind our backs (I know she talks to me and my sister about my brother, and I know she talks to me about my sister, so I assume she's doing the same with our brother), she gibes us ugly little Looks when one of the others does something she doesn't like and that we 'talked about', and she gives away secrets we told her in confidence??? Like recently my brother was really sad so I asked HIM (I asked *him*) what was up and he said it was nothing- so clearly he didn't wanna talk about it. That's fine. And mum piped up saying pointedly to me that he doesn't have to talk if he doesn't want to (True, mum, thanks. I know that)... before telling me his girlfriend broke up with him as soon as he left the room. She did the same thing the last time he had a break up. And then she's also telling me shit about my sister I k n o w she wouldn't want me to know. This is why I don't tell her anything anymore.

And, of course, the pitting us against eachother. Just today she and I had a little argument (argument on her side. I was actually trying my fucking hardest to keep my voice soft and figure out the problem), and my sister comes up to her to give her money for her belly button piercing today. Mum snaps at her, like 'Why do I have to carry that??'. My sister gets defensive, because she's a teenage girl and I mean??? Wouldn't you??? Then my mum 'apologised' by saying '*sigh* sorry, your sister was just snapping at me for no reason'.

And ohhhhh. The guilt tripping. Especially about not getting to move in with her 'love' (This dude, Mark, who works with her. Everyone including my dad and her mother, my grandma, are pretty damn sure she was cheating on my dad with him). She always tells me 'it's because of you that I can't live with him.'.

And the whole thing with Mark is wierd on general??! She got with this man while he was in the middle of a very terrible divorce with his ex wife, who was saying he abused her and their 2 kids. FIRST of fucking all, I understand innocent until proven guilty... but she seemed immediately sure that the e x w i f e was a liar and was manipulating their daughter (who, by the way, has some very deep issues) into saying he did stuff to her? I don't understand why the hell you would jump to that conclusion.

P l u s- she's always taking my sister (the youngest of us. It goes Me (22), then my Brother (20 in June), then Her (16)) on trips with Mark without even telling my Dad?? Surely Dad should have been notified and given Vito power in a situation like this!??

(Luckily I think Mark is actually indeed pretty harmless. But still, none of this is really okay even so)

Small thing, but she has never ever asked me about my writing. She doesn't give a fuck, though she knows it's my Biggest Thing.

Oh, another small thing that gets under my nails. Her thinking I'm so fucking Silly for liking things. And not the good kinda silly- like I'm so dumb and ridiculous for my interests. Like, I'm sorry?? I'm sorry you have no hobbies, you horrible little woman?? I don't need to be patronised cuz I find a little joy in something.

Ughhhhhh she always disapproved of my sister, brother or I ever thinking about us being 'american' at all. Which is??? So ridiculous?? We're not, but our Dad is, and maybe he wanted to share some of his culture, his home, with us??? He moved all the way to the other side of the globe to be with her and this is how she repays it??? We also don't really know our family on that side, we never got phone calls or anything. And I feel like my mum should have encouraged that. So should my Dad have, yes definitely (he's not perfect), but I have a feeling she never supported it. She doesn't even support us seeing her family.

Ohhhh my God. The cleaning. She goes into these hours long Outbursts where she has to clean e v e r y t h i n g in the house, and she's mad at us for letting it get untidy, and if she sees you you're in danger because she's gonna snap at you and make you feel terrible. I now go into the same state every now and then- though I just put my earplugs in and don't speak to anyone.

Ah. And the fat shaming. That's always fun 🙄😒 My sister is so skinny without trying, which is not her fault and good for her- but I have my grandma's hips and larger breasts (I know it's immature to go ha ha mum you're flat chested and I have tits but lool honestly it's cathartic), and that comes with a little belly and wider thighs. That doesn't mean I'm fat. I'm goddamn beautiful, shut up. And I'm tired of feeling terrible about how I look because of her.

... There's more, but I'm losing steam and just getting sad. So I think my job is done for now, thank you for listening.

[meraki-yao]

"You pretty much need to get paid because you're like our therapist" long post anon, I'm not entirely comfortable with posting your ask publicly and I don't really know how to considering you send me three parts, but I still wanted to reply to you, so here is said reply

Firstly thank you 🤣 that's a really high form of compliment and I'll graciously take it 🤭I'm just glad I can share my thoughts and help people out

I'm not entirely sure what to you mean by you want my opinion cuz truthfully it sounds like you got it figured out? But I'll say a couple of points.

People aren't always in the position to voice or act on their opinion, especially when it comes to social and political opinions. (for example, I'm not) A lot of the times when is comes to personal relationships these things don't get brought up. And sometimes it's a matter of the job or environment. What happened in December was completely fucked up, but it also means that action should be stopped and shouldn't be repeated on anyone.

But for the "fans" on Twitter, you already figured out most of it: it's always the same small group of people stirring up drama, and a lot of their claims have been directly refuted on the record. Thus, their "opinions" don't hold value. I said this before: these people are people who take a stance and try to bend everything to fit their stance. I don't like using the word "crazy" as an insult (as someone who's been called that too many times as a kid when in reality I was going through panic attacks) but obsessive hating to the point you describe is indeed, unhealthy and pretty pathetic. We have a term for these types of haters: 黑粉 Hei Fen (Black-Fan) and they're pretty frowned upon.

But unfortunately you can't control their existence or what they do, the best choice to avoid them and ignore them as much as you can. And when you can't, remember, their opinions don't hold value.

And again Twitter isn't a nice place to be on. So you also might want to re-evaluate that part and see if it's worth seeing crazy people. Sometimes the good can outweigh the bad, but that's gonna be for you to judge.

Hope this helps! Let me know if you need a follow up.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary387

10/13-14/24

sunday - monday

sometimes, dreams do come true.

as always with dreams though, there's many fucked up parts that are kind of horrible and sad! so i was able to get into the festival because my friend from out of town, she came with two other friends, and one got dropped on her head while crowd surfing to cap'n jazz's oh messy life. that was the first day, second day, they had to go to the hospital for her, then she had the okay, then today, there were complications and this is really worrying, i am going to ask about that tomorrow, i think to not be a pest about it today, they came over to pick some stuff up, they left it with us, and my friend asked me on the phone before coming if i'd like her wristband, and i was like... yeah, part of me feels so guilty though, like i don't deserve that level of kindness, i can't really believe people would be so nice to me, or like my gf being so nice to me always too, everyone is really nice to me, i don't get it. i don't do anything good or useful, i feel in fact like i've leeched off of terrible circumstance a bit, and it also feels like it's just that the world is painful and we are fragile, there's a cruel logic to things and this is how they end up, or can end up, good things can be nightmares a little too. but the show was incredible, i got to see the jesus lizard too and they sound great, yow is surprisingly active as a guy still, as in moving around lots, being super expressive, he loves music, you can feel it.

blood brothers though, this was their first show of their tour, and they i think went as hard as they possibly could. jordan at one point brought up being of advanced age, some of the songs being hard, needing a breather, johnny spent most of the show crowdsurfing, he loved it, so many people surfed, it was very exciting, i was at the barricade the whole time honestly the crowd was super respectful. morgan had these insanely loud and low bass synth sounds, at points, deeper than his actual bass, so much sub stuff going on, running some synth into an ampeg head and a sunn cab, idk what head his bass and guitar were going to (he played both, some songs have no bass, just like, baritone (maybe (maybe just guitar where the low frequencies can come thru cuz of the head and cab)) guitar riffing beside the regular guitar, which cody played through a whole orange amp rig. funny to see, sounded very good though, such an odd sound he has i don't know how to describe it. it really is like, i dunno, sharp sounding but not really super high frequency focused? odd odd guitar sound. really great though, i was by morgan but it came through surprisingly well much of the time. the one issue w/ the sound was the kick was kind of fucked up loud, but that's okay, i like fucked up loud basically. i think johnny's voice started to go towards the end a bit, i think both were like that, i don't think they figured they'd be doing such a long set on this tour, but i'm glad i got to see it like this, they did like so many great songs, i like how much they did of the later records, and they did do a (i think just one) song off of march on electric children. also very fun to see johnny play keys. it's definitely the case that morgan and mark are the guys doing so much to make the band work, crazy musicians, everyone in the band is a crazy musician, i think like, they play such fucked up music structurally that it's hard to play perfectly, certainly some mistakes but the looseness helps it feel really cool, idk, they're just playing that shit, going off, i felt it so hard, i was so joyous seeing them too, it's like this violent apocalyptic jubilance, a crazy thing for art to get at.

here i'll insert, when my friend came to drop things off, it was a brief hello, but when two came to pick everything up, they stayed for a while, or an hour, if an hour is a while, we didn't really talk, i just enjoyed having them in the house and serving them, or helping or trying to help, they were so appreciative, that makes me want to cry right now, i felt like i was doing so little, just offering things to them while cooking for my gf, or helping bring out a suitcase and a bag, they're such kind people, it's crazy how kind and appreciative people can be, i did hardly anything i swear, it seemed to mean a lot to them, it makes me want to do more for them, and everyone else.

i also, during the whole set, kept thinking about fear and hunger... this is now the fear and hunger portion of my diary entry...

so daan died...we got to the church, i got the third statue, wandered around a little while, it was fun to figure out how to get through the underground of the church. i was going through, fighting those snail headed freaks, i had to fight a death mask, at least i know where the second one spawns for me, so i can strategize about that (i'll get to this in a moment), i found the path out, but found something rather tragic, a whole scene in the otherworld rher dimension with samarie, where she confessed all kinds of things to marina, who barely knew her... i want to know what goes on with that, i wonder, can i do a play through where i find her as marina and get them together, traveling? something about them together is cute to me or, i don't know... it's like, the game is well written already, but the writing of that scene, genuinely, it hits a story of the eye type feeling, this perverse woman, killer of the father, obsessed with the trans girl who she watched "caressing herself" and putting makeup on for hours, marina not understanding, there is this tragic gulf, there's this excess, the absence of fear of approaching these characters having some, i don't want the word erotic to be taken as my finding this arousing, rather, they exist in that dimension, it's not shied away from really, it adds to the disorienting sadness of the conversation, it's like, not scary, it's tragic, i can't tell if marina forgot her friend who was secretly obsessed, or if she was obsessed from such a difference they just never spoke. but samarie makes it sound like they spoke. i don't know, something about the two of them, they feel equally forced into the role of being objects, i guess, then there's this failure on samarie's part to understand her friend, or even manage her feelings, it's genuinely really moving to me, and then she transformed into dysmorphia (not confusing it with dysphoria), and used hurting on daan, blew his arm off, and then used it on him before he could heal himself, and killed him, making it almost too much to bear, i instantly missed his party talk chatter, how he was so distant and snide, evidently kind or wounded or something though. still in awe at this, miro's ability to make these characters something, not to be cruel about games generally, but it's rare to see that, even in the first one it's a bit... they're very much stereotypes, but messed up, subverted, there's an emotional dimension to them, certainly as you complete the journey with them, you imprint a lot onto them. but in this it's different. eventually, we killed her.

really really sad, we escaped the church, the path to the tower open, a blood portal made as well, we went back to the train, i got the guy who looks like jojo, marcoh, he is very nice too, a kind man. but, honestly, he is not daan, daan is so... maybe i just find him cute, or something, or, he's so charming to me, the way he tries to distance himself, i saw some people say this game is much less depressing than the first, this is untrue, the state i found him in, sitting in a room, trapped, staring into space, when you ask him about a sigil on the floor he says, don't ask questions you don't want answers to. he's grim in a way that's not like, really silly. it feels honest from him. it's not like marcoh feels dishonest he's just a tough kind man, still though everyone in this game feels some kind of pathetic, not saying this cruelly, it is a positive. it makes me want to cry a little, or not a little, it just makes me want to cry. so now this game is in my favorites of all time, i mean it, it's really up there... beside yume nikki and silent hill. i haven't even beat it yet, i just, i don't know, no matter what bothers me about it, its handling of marina, that specific moment with samarie, the fact i want to go back in time even though i have a rather well set up save with 4 characters in my party, 2 hours of progress made, to try and save daan, that's insane right? that's like really meaningful, to me. these characters aren't even so... they're not like intensely strong, it's not like a vn, it's like, you feel attached to them because you feed them, you help them cope, or you see them eat together, and cope together, and then they say just a little more in this one, olivia tries to be absentminded, and talk about plants, can't stop being afraid, karin is always being tough and political, daan is affecting distance... i dunno.

it is silly probably how much i relate to marina, since she is a silent protagonist here, it's mostly that making it work like that, i dunno, this and the first do a good job of making you feel a meaningful connection to those characters in yourself, like you have something of them embedded in you, i guess it might be the suffering? no suffering so intense as what's in the game, but still, its cruel vision of things feels empathetic to quotidian pains.

i'm getting all rambly and emotional about a video game. these are blessed times for me, the fact i have a new favorite of this magnitude, and that i saw the blood brothers, i don't know. i napped, i kept seeing the character move around in my head. just going through places that don't exist. so many special pieces of art in the world:

listening to this song, i'm always reminded of clouds in summer, when it rains and is humid, the huge pillars of clouds, those non-things trying to climb higher than the blue of the sky, it feels like, and the day that was totally clear yet humid (maybe not clear? in my head... maybe there are streaks of clouds, torn up cotton balls in the blue...), where my grandma took my cousin and i to see dolphins at the mgm grand i think. the palm trees, the false tropical environment, the beauty of the animals, their faces. was it the mgm? it might have been another one... whatever though, it was a casino, it could be one that's been torn down. anyway, this song contains that inside it, and more, it has this clumsiness in it, or, it dredges up my clumsy childhood feelings or ways of seeing, simpler things, everything is huge, every emotion, my confusions, my early education in the desire of others, it's all this quiet slow dance thing. i don't know why this song is coming to me now, or why i picked it out of all others, but i really feel it so deeply. i guess this is what happens when there are days like this.

with this, i must sleep,

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[vivizn]

Re: the tags you put on my post; you don't have to figure out the gender stuff all at once. You mentioned dresses? Try wearing dresses! Try a different set of pronouns, try a new name. None of that stuff has permanent ramifications. Take advantage of your group of non-cis friends for support with the name and pronouns stuff, they'll be thrilled to help. If you're "wrong" and you're "just" a GNC cis guy? That's still a great thing to be, if you're doing it on purpose!

(Future me here, quick info. Context at the bottom, and OP this turned out kinda long so read this when you have 5min to spare.)

Oh, uh, hi

Sorry, didn't expect a feedback on that, i was kinda yelling into the void and i keep forgetting this site is made of people ^^'

First off, thanks for reaching out, always nice to see that happening. And i hope you had, have and will have a nice day. Triple kindness in your face.

Secondly, dresses. It's kind of an ironic love that i have for those? Like, i just like wearing dresses for the bit (or on rare occasions i'll wear my skirt cuz it's faster to take on/off than pants). I say i get giddied up but It's really more because of the reaction of those around me (they find it funny (not in a mean way) so i'm glad i made them laugh).

Thirdly(?), changing names / pronouns. My *checks bio* neo-gendered sibling in christ, i can't even name my OCs, what makes you think i can name ME ToT ? As for the pronouns, eh... idk, i'm fine with keeping he/him i think, keeps things consistant. Again, default settings. I definitly need to try it one day though.

Fouthly? Fourtly? Fourd? Fuck, permanence. You fool. You absolute baffoon (affectionate). How dare you think for a moment have what it takes to handle ephemerality? I literally have mlp themed stickers still in package because i don't want to deal with using them somewhere and later not having them anymore. Either I will give up after the first time someone uses another set of pronouns, or the short period of time where they did will haunt me forever because nothing came out of it. <- also work if i end up changing pronouns, my brain is good at thinking bad. (I also have a suspicious amount of ND friends. Yeah yeah, i know, the idea of seeing a therapist sounds sexier everyday.)

5 (because i'm tired, it's 3am), being wrong. That is actually something i somewhat enjoy surprisingly. Because at least that means i have something to go off of, a starting point. That's usually all i need to start working on anything that require thought (so literally everything). I'd rather have someone tell me to do a thing and then shit on the thing they told me to do than having someone tell me "just follow your heart 🥰🥰🥰". Like, cool bro, how do i do that? Bitch won't move, how am i supposed to follow it?

1/3 of 666, credits. I never know how to close off rants because i always forget the first 3 points i try to make. So uhhh thanks to your patience if you've read through that (i feel like you would), sorry for ranting/venting(?) on what was just supposed to be a positive message i think. Thanks again for trying to reach out, but i honestly think i've got to deal with my other problems before i can tackle my gender (like the o so joyful experience of finding a job. yay.) (<- monotonest voice ever).

original post + my tags for those interested in context, AKA: hi alexxel, hi malt (watch out for the rant in your name, i'm gonna steal it), probably hi gayotic

And a pic of me in a dress because i feel like it

Couldn't find a dress so all you get is a fashion disaster, feat a hat i borrowed from a friend to complete the fit.

[floof-mah-life]

'Twisted Wonderland came out of my phone!?

You can also find this story in my Wattpad account, I have many chapters already there and I put this here for those who don't have Wattpad or anything.

_________________________________________

"Oi! (Y/n) could you come over here and help me with something real quick!?" A voice shouted from downstairs.

A person just chilling in they're room was too busy on they're phone cuz of a battle they just wanted to beat and get over with.

'C'mon! It's been a week man.... Let me beat you!!'

Basically they're playing twisted Wonderland. It's a game they're friend recommended after they got tired of our dear reader watching Helluva Boss, playing Geshin Impact, and a bunch of other shit they do.

But don't worry! They still do they're own shenanigans. Apparently what they are currently doing is trying to beat a damn overblot, or should I say Vil's overblot.

"Yeah I'll be there in a bit! Lemme just do something really quick!!"

'Vil I fucking love you don't get me wrong but, if I can't beat you after leveling up mAh characters, doing random shit to get more gems Heck! Even spending money for the past few days imma say Neige is the fairest of them all boi!!'

Finally after sometime they finally managed to defeat him.

"WOOHOO!! I BEAT YOU!" Throwing they're hands in the air and doing a small victory dance they begun to think of a few things.

'not gonna lie Vil's overblot form tho...... should've taken a screenshot. I swear to God these damn boys need THERAPY!!!!'

*DING*

Looking back at their phone.

*Low battery (%5)*

'Damn I've been to focus on beating Vil that I forgot to charge mAh damn phone!!'

Quickly getting they charger and plugging in the cord they left it on they're desk.  Standing up from sitting down for around 5 hours they slightly bending down hearing the satisfying cracks.

"Now I just need to help mAh dear sister downstairs...... I'm coming!!"

Going towards the door, opening and closing it, walked downstairs to see they're sister trying to fix the.......ceiling?

"........"

"........."

"........."

"........."

"Okay what happened this time?"

"Hole in the ceiling......"

"May I ask what really happened or how that got there?"

"..........................Accidentally burned myself from cooking and threw the pan at the ceiling...."

"........alright get the stool and I'll get the tools."

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A bright light begin to glow from the phone....... coming out from the screen a gloved hand....holding onto the edges of the phone they climb out.....

Pulling themselves out of the phone, stood up to look around

"Okay I know that I was avoiding Riddle but, this isn't what I meant!!"

Another figure came out of the phone....

"What the- Ace!?"

The figure turned around to look at the new figure that appeared.

"Deuce!?"

"Where are we? And what did you do this time?!"

"Hold up! Ya blaming be for this?! I didn't do anything! I was just trying to avoid Riddle cause I may have accidentally ate his tart again."

"You can't just 'accidentally' eat someone's else food ace."

"Anyways! I don't what happened nor where we are. I was just on my way my dorm when a bright light came outta nowhere and suddenly here I am."

"Hm......the same thing happened to me except I was feeding the hedgehogs and then I came here."

Both figures begin to look around the area they appeared.

"This looks like a room but, bigger"

Ace scoffed a bit and looked at Deuce

"Bigger? This is basically a room for a Giant!!"

Before deuce could reply they begin to hear a doorknob rattle.

'Eh?!'

Didn't took long for the door to open to reveal our beautiful selves. (H/c) hair colored person coming in and looked a bit tired.

"Damn rats just came outta nowhere.....of course I'm gonna scream...."

They then look up towards they're phone only to see the two figures standing there shocked. They're eyes widened seeing them.

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Both making direct eye contact, no movement until ace grabbed Deuce's arm and begun to run. Not caring where, just away from this giant.

"Run Deuce!!"

"Eh!? Where tho!!?"

"I don't know!! Away from them or something!!!"

Snapping out of they're trance they reached out towards them.

"Hey! Hold up!!"

Both ace and Deuce running to who knows where, they just wanna get away from the so called giant person. Reaching toward the edge of the desk a hand came down startling them, not having to chance to get away both we're grabbed.

"Hey! Put us down!!"

Both boys squirming around only for them to be held by they're blazer.

"Woah! Chill you two.....I ain't gonna hurt ya or anything."

Both cease they're struggle to look at the Giant figure in front of them.

"You're..... your not going to hurt us?" Deuce asked slightly trembling. Like it's not everyday a bright light suddenly appears, you're suddenly stacked to a room that looks like it's for a giant, a huge person appears and they all of a sudden grabbed ya.

The person looked at him with soft eyes. Shaking they're head signalling no they're not going to harm them.

"No I'm not and uh...sorry that I startled you both but, if I didn't do that you both would've fell down and could've possibly hurt yourselves."

"Uh huh! Thanks for that and all but could you put us down!!!" Ace shouted holding onto one of the fingers for dear life.

"Oh! Yeah sorry!"

Going back towards they're desk they put both figures down gently. They kept a safe distance from them.

"So........." Ace started to get rid of the awkward tension surrounding them.

"What's your name?"

"My name's (y/n) nice to meet cha!" (Y/n) smiled at them.

"Well.....I'm Deuce."

"I'm Ace..."

'I know y'all names but, I'm sure it'll be helle weird and creepy if did said ya names out of a sudden.'

"Although if I may ask you both........."

Both Ace and Deuce turned to (Y/n)

"How did you both get here? Or how are you both......tiny? Like you're basically the size of my pinkie I swear."

Ace didn't like that.

"Hey!! Your just huge!" Ace shouted pointing at (Y/n)

"Basically admitting that your tiny." (Y/n) smirked at him.

Before ace could reply Deuce butted in

"We don't know actually. Both of us we're doing our own thing when there was a bright light and then here we are." Deuce cut in basically making sure Ace doesn't say something stupid that could easily get them both killed.

'Okay so wtf do I do now?'

[justaboymadeofhoneyandglass]

hey!!

so, i was just curious. um. this may sound dumb. but. how did u know u have synesthesia? do u get synesthesia only when u hear things? i'm just curious. not to come off as ignorant tho.

also: are u an artist?

one more thing: which is ur fav view, like with synesthesia?

also: this is stupid: were u born with it?

um also: what do u see when u hear ur name?

also: is ur condition annoying to u? does it create hurdles in ur day-to-day activities?? like when u study, can't u listen to music cuz u see shapes and stuff? which distracts u?

um one last thing: ur follower event looks really different from everyone else's i've seen, looks real cool. um kudos to that i guess.

um thanks for answering! (if u choose not to, it's fine, these are ridiculous questions even i know)

Hii! Dw about asking so many questions I love talking about my synesthesia, and you're not coming off as ignorant, it's not smth that a lot of ppl know a lot about so dw

My main clue was when I started telling people what colour they were to me and they went what the fuck do you mean by that and I juts thought oh so that's not a thing for everybody? Cool I guess. that was about two years ago and since than I've figured out so so so much stuff about this haha

Yup i would say I am, im not the best at realistic drawing but my brain has too many ideas to not do some off them, I usually draw very abstract because that's how my synesthesia works, but I also sometimes do scenery mixed with it because my brain is rlly rlly associative, like it associates everything with everything so that's what I draw hehe

I'm also a poet and a writer, although the only stories I actually write nowadays are fanfictions 😅, I do write a lot of poetry still, mostly to deal with life or express my love for things or ppl *cough* @aesthetic-writer18 *cough*

My fav view? Bit confused by the question haha /lh if this means like favourite colour associated with smth I could not decide for the life of me haha

I really like the colours of some songs,

This one the most rn I think!

Yup I was born with it! It's a neurodiversity, so you can't have it and not be born with it. some people think they have synesthesia because they have like 5 or 6 associations, there's not rlly a rule for how much it needs to be but I think those ppl are bullshit, cus most ppl have some sorts of taught associations that are not synesthesia lol

my name for me is kinda light brown with yellow and red! Well my chosen name is, my deadname is light pink with red in it lol

I usually don't rlly associate a lot of stuff with myself or things about myself but the name James I took form James potter so that influences how I see it lol

Hmm, I wouldn't say it annoys me, but it does create some difficulties:

Some people I dislike don't have colours at all, or they have a rlly annoying or ugly colour, I know a girl whose voice is the most skin crawling shade of purple ish red it's so fucking annoying I can't stand to be around her

the music thing does happen, I usually try to listen to music that doesn't trigger my synesthesia a lot (which limits the possibilities a lot) and also doesn't trigger my maladaptive daydreaming but that's a whole other thing

One thing about my synesthesia is that when I think too much about it or concentrate on the associations too much I get a rlly bad headache which sucks lol

Thanks a lot! It's largely based on my synesthesia hehe I rlly like it!!

Thanks for the askkk!

[starr-finn]

Could you write some dating hcs with Sokol?

General dating HCs with Sokol

Absolutely! Hope you enjoy this one! also don't worry everyone! I'll bring back anon asks soon! completely forgot I turned it off, love y'all!

Authors note: So this is just general dating/romance HCs because I love Sokol more than anything. I used male terms of endearment, but reader is GN, very VERY light spice, mainly just mentions of biting, marking, and Sokol liking chokers, cuz I think he does

Sokol enjoys flirting with you, he will take any chance he can to try and get you flustered

dude does that thing where his voice goes all gravelly and he just whispers something in his native language (Because Russian sounds hot asf)

He calls you stuff like милый (honey), дорогой (sweetheart), ангел (Angel), and зайчик (Bunny)

He likes holding your hands a lot, he just always likes having his hands on you at all times

he likes kissing you on your hands, palms, wrists, and forearms

he likes having you lay on him, on his lap, chest, stomach, so on, he thinks it cute

If you kiss him literally anywhere, bro will go entirely quiet until he can figure out how to get back at you

He really likes biting at your neck and shoulders, for marking reasons, he feels like he's marking his territory

he's an asshole in terms of teasing, dude smirks every time you get all flustered

he knows how to use his accent AND voice to his advantage

BROOOOO WAIT! DUDE 100% WILL HOLD YOU DOWN BECAUSE HE FEELS HE'S STRONGER THAN YOU!!

anyway enough spice I'm losing it if y'all want actual spice fics for payday lmk

He likes going on morning runs, he may drag you out of bed on Sundays for a 5 am run

if you don't wake up he'll just shrug and give you a kiss on the forehead before leaving

and he'll always take a good long shower before he gets back in bed and cuddles with you

dude will teach you Russian a few months after you get together

if your a heister like he is, bro is super SUPER overprotective over you

if not, Sokol will keep you so far away from his job you don't even really know what the payday gang is

dude fucking spoils you, if you're both out together and you look at something and even remotely seem interested, bro will buy it for you

This guy is 100% the kinda guy that will buy you jewelry, like rings and necklace

i know i said no more spicy stuff but like, dude has a thing for chokers, especially tugging on them when your wearing them, THERE I SAID IT

ok now I'm done-

dude doesn't really play video games or watch sports, but hey if you play either he will watch you and listen to you ramble about anything you're interested in

he finds you adorable if you're shorter than him, if you're his height or taller bro falls even more than before, but he adores you either way

he loves kissing you all the time, dude just loves the way you react every time he kisses you anywhere

bro just fucking adores you tbh

Sokol got some headcanons now! we love him

Tag list

@honeychromb

@foxqueen1077777

@iwillstealyourtoes-wattpad 

Comment if you wanna be added to my taglist :)

[coochellati]

I'm so sorry to hear what happened Jovia!

Man this stuff with your mother is fucked up. I had a friend, her grandma was similar, but instead of valuing a house she valued money more than her family. They didn't even hold contact at all because of this.

I saw a lot of people setting up a Ko-fi page for supposting, that might help! Though read about what it does, sadly I don't know how it works.

I hope everything will be alright. You know what yes! Everything will be figured out because your boyfriend, us and Bruno are with you! :D

-PBS anon

thank you so much for the support, it means so much to me. Seriously, all your asks make me smile. 🩷🩷 heheheh i got that Bruno bot up and running so im probably gonna make him say comforting things, which I WILL share here, but first i gotta learn how speak the way Bruno speaks. The AI bot can transpose my voice all the way down to Bruno’s, so my higher-pitched voice isn’t a problem, but i need to have the diction there too…. anyways, not trying to get to get too off-topic here speaking about the bot but 😂

I just cannot fathom how anyone could possibly think that money is more important to them than their kid. (I’m talking about my mother and your friend’s grandmother—cuz at the end of the day, my mom just wants to keep a “perfect” house so she can sell it for maximum profit.

oh my god when we were kids, she would yell at us so much if we “hurt it” in any way. (Actually, nah, she still does this.) But like, dents in the wall are going to happen. Chipped paint is going to happen. It’s not like we tried to destroy it, but like. Kids are kids. and you shouldn’t yell at them. Can you really expect to keep a house absolutely perfect?

That’s actually a really good idea. I’ve considered a GoFundMe, but im also kind of scared to ask the internet for help? Augh. i think i should just bite the bullet and do it—i literally have $40 to my name. Would Ko-fi bet a better place…? I will look into it……….

[latina4rmbx]

I Can Buy Myself Flowers...

Sometimes I need to figure my shit out. Sometimes I take so long to figure my shit out that it loses it's luster. I've been pondering this post for a bit and it's learned me a few things:

I need to charge my laptop. As I lay in bed, stroke of insight comes to me, but if I pick up my phone, I'm going straight to social media and there goes my insight. At least with my laptop I don't have social media embedded in any of the apps, I think, and I can get what I need to get off my chest.

I sometimes over/underestimate myself and it's to my own detriment

I was in an extreme emotional state yesterday with no real outlet. I had no reason to cry but I felt that ache or that hollow in my chest. I even asked a friend for a sad movie suggestion so I can get it out. I still haven't seen the movie

I know I've said this before, and I guess I will repeat it until I understand, you really don't realize the impact you make/have made on a persons life sometimes. If you're lucky, people will give you your flowers while you're still here

This is a great segue into the whole reason we're here...

Yesterday I posted a Meme that reads: Her: I ordered us new phone cases. The fucking phone cases (if I can add the pic here I will) then I wrote: Me as a GF. Let me just try to post this thing because 1. it was the catalyst and 2. I think it truly sums me up as a GF and 3. It's cute AF. Take in the entire post lol

An ex-boyfriend reaches out to me to make a joke about the phone cases.

His joke: "This was us but I had more ass than you."

In case you were wondering what my response was...this is the lead up to the crux of this AM post. From here on out I'm going to refer to him as Guy. Another person comes into play and I'll call them Man.

Me: But that's a real message I sent to a real man who probably has more ass than I do too 😂 I haven't checked it out enough. We haven't done sexy time yet 😃

Guy: Whaaaaaat (I didn't count the A's but there were quite a few)

Me: Stop it

Guy: This is real?! Not a drill ?!?

A little more chatting about Man

Guy: Ok well he gets you. That's important

Here is where the mood changes. Up to this point we were laughing, well Guy was laughing at my antics (because I be antic-ing)

Me: Well we don't see each other much cuz life be lifin' the shit out of us but it's good lol. Thanks for inquiring about the drills.

Side Note: He speaks to me in voice note after a bit so I'll have to transcribe. I'll do it verbatim but I KNOW I will cry.

Guy: Good speaking to you again. Instead of us, just sending funny videos to each other... Though I like that too.

Me: Thank you for being everything.

Me: I'm really lucky I met you Guy. I hope you know that. Good or bad you always have a special place in my heart

Guy: Can I say: Ditto. One day I'll be able to put into words what our time together has meant and always meant to me

Me: It's not necessary. I appreciate it anyway

Guy: Well I think people need to get their flowers!!!!

See the correlation to the title now?

Me: I do too & life is shorter than we realize.

Here's where his voice notes start. There are only 2 but each is about a min long so it may take some time (& Coffee) to transcribe. I did not respond to him in VN form. As a matter of fact the conversation between him and I's portion will end with my first response, then I'll move on to something else. It'll make sense

VN1: No, I I I mean that in all truthfulness. Uhm, people deserve their flowers cause you never know when somebody's gonna go or somebody saying I'm never going to talk to you ever again. So, No I wanted to always tell you thank you because I wasn't always uhm I dunno. I guess life gives you perspective once you get some distance and time. I'm not trying to speak deep or like philosophical. It's just one of those things where you know. I remember being young. I remember, you know, being infatuated with you and not knowing how to handle that and also not knowing how to handle when I had unfinished business or you know uhm. There were so many things I was learning on the fly. It's like flying a plane and fixing the wing while you're flying it. I should've just landed the plane and learned my lesson.

VN2: But even when I was flying the plane, so to speak, or hanging out with you uhm, I always wanted to thank you. I mean, you know, there were times that, you know, I really made you feel like shit and I'm sorry. And there's times there, you know, where you and I were at odds for whatever reason, and you know. I wasn't always great, you know. I learned a lot from you. I learned about forgiveness, and I learned about, you know, about how to truly love somebody or what to have when you truly love somebody. Or that so much, that that that our multiple interactions have taught me. From the beginning all the way to the last one. And it was so fun in a weird way to have you in my apartment that day when we were saying good bye to T. And that was kinda like uh, if this was a sitcom, and that was the last episode, it'd be a good one.

Me: The one where we said good bye

If you didn't get it, my response is a nod to ye olde show "Friends."

Here's where it gets interesting/sad, I was crying typing that response to Guy. However, I went to the counsel, which is 2 people. 1 who knows him and one who doesn't. I'm going to only share the conversation with the one who doesn't know him because it was sweet, our back and forth. For the sake of consistency they will be dubbed, C1 (LOL - is that consistent?). Ok, ok, Lady. She'll be dubbed Lady. As in, I spoke to the Lady

Me: Listen to this. It's my ex boyfriend & THIS made me cry.

Lady: Awww O

Me: You know how you feel like you didn't mean anything to someone and then you find out you meant everything. This did it for me. Bad timing. But when the timing was right...It was too late. He broke up with his GF and I had broken up with *CENSORED*. We were ripe for the picking but it didn't feel...the same.

Lady: Yes I now the feeling

Lady: At least you now know you meant something big to him

Me: Yeah. It's comforting

Me: I always wondered if I was doing love wrong

That's it. Not the end of the conversation but the point that he was helping me with, without even being aware. I always wondered if I was doing love wrong. Craziness because some people never think of love in terms of something to consider or work on, it's just what they feel or do. But what does that mean? To feel love. What does it mean to DO love? You know.

Lady: I don't think you've ever done love wrong. Just was given to the wrong people at the wrong time because as a friend you are very loveable and you're giving, attentive

Me: Thank you

Me: I had to work on the friendship love too

Lady: No need to thank me for the truth

Me: I know I used to do friendship wrong

Lady: Well I'm glad I get the best of you ❤️❤️

That was literally the end of hers and I's conversation.

In the other conversation I mention feeling validated. I think this is the part that kept me up half the night. Why did I need him or anyone to validate me? Then it clicked, I value his opinion of me. He's one of the very few people who can tell me "O, it's not a good look." He does it with such a pure and true heart. It doesn't hurt when he's putting me in my place. Again, I'm speaking as a friend here, not as a lover. That ship has sailed a long time ago. Two years ago, when we reconnected through mutual heartbreak, solidified it.

We were GREAT as lovers and being in love but we're sooooo much better as champions for each other. We cheer each other one from the sidelines. I guess that's what happens when time and distance give us perspective.

Thank you readers for reading. I truly appreciate you taking any moment out of your day to read through my posts.

I can buy myself flowers...But why would I have to?

XOXO

Thanks for Reading

[marilostfieldblog]

[Video transcript start.]

[The transcript begins from the front pocket of a jacket, someone leaning over a small child's shoulder as they seemingly draw a TV on a computer.]

?: What are you doing kid?

[Voice identified: Mari.]

[The child looks over to Mari, smiling.]

?: Making Peony an avatar so it isn't so creepy when they speak.

[Voice identified: Sparrow.]

M: Oh uh… Hey Will, you ok bud? Feel the need to check on you from time to time.

[Will's head pops into view. His hair falls over his eyes.]

W: Uhhhh. I think so? Trying to figure out a present, not going too well!

M: Could always ask Peony? AI and all.

Sp: Do not use the only sibling I have in this mall as an alexa.

W: I wasn't planning to, kiddo.

M: And I'm trying to work on that kid, just… Kinda tough when other people don't post their work schedules.

W: In my defence, I'm just kind of on call. All the time.

?: [Tired.] They were talking about Cassidy.

[Voice identified: Rose Henderson.]

W: Ah. [The tone in his voice has notably shifted.] I see. I'm sorry again, for..ya know.

R: [Still tired, this lasts until further notice.] Quit apologising, not your fault.

W: Right.

R: I just-

[Rose cuts herself off stretching, multiple pops coming from her back and shoulder blades.]

R: God damn.

W: Dude, you need to stretch more often, that CANNOT be healthy.

R: Haven't exactly had time. Cuz… Y'know.

W: Mhm. That is true.

R: Anyway, you guys need to quit taking shit out of my bag. It was open again this morning.

W: Wasn't me this time! I was-...guys. Edgar's breathing is weird.

R: Oh fuck, ok uh… Sparrow quit taking shit out of my bag.

Sp: IT WASN'T ME! Also, uh. Not good.

[Will appears more into frame, as it limps towards the sleeping man.]

W: Should we wake him up? This could be really bad if he continues breathing like this in that position.

R: I don't know… Tired…

W: Mari? What do you think?

M: Huh? Yeah go ahead.

W: Right.

Sp: Be careful.

[Before anyone can make a move to wake him, he sits upright abruptly with a shout, before taking a quick look at his surroundings and moving backwards away from the residents of the hideout, eyes darting around the room, before settling on the exit door.]

W: Edgar? Are you okay, your breathing was..irregular is definitely an understatement. Hyperventilating?

R: [Muffled by a pillow.] Not going to hurt you dad, if that's what you're worried about.

Sp: I can't hurt you, my arms are only strong enough to throw like… Soup cans at Mari.

?: [Shaky.] Wh– who has the gun currently?

[Voice identified: Edgar.]

R: [Muffled.] oh god damnit.

[Rose sits up and looks at Edgar, a tired look plastered across her face.]

R: Delilah, who. As far as I know isn't here.

[Edgars eyes move away from the door for a moment to scan the group's hands.]

W: None of us have anything Edgar, you're safe. Do you want me to back up a bit?

[He nods, still looking tense.]

M: Yeah Delilah left a while ago, why did you ask?

E: I… um. It’s nothing.

R: Bullshit, I don't know what it is. But that is bullshit. I know that's bullshit, you know that's bullshit, hell Sparrow probably knows that’s bullshit.

W: Yeah man, you look fucking terrified. What's happening?

[Edgar takes a moment to consider his next words.]

E: What are the nightmares that you guys have like?

W: uhm, I mean. Fucking terrifying? Getting, uh, tortured again… The surgery with Hetch, killing you guys..a lot.

E: W– well. About that last one. E– ever been on t– the receiving end?

Sp: Yes. All the time.

W: Oh. Oh shit. Edgar..

E: I… yeah. It’s…

[Edgar takes a deep breath in.]

R: I'm going to choose to NOT talk about my nightmares tonight, what happened?

E: Nothing I couldn’t have predicted. This one was… one of the more common scenarios. We’re just… doing something, and suddenly you guys all fuckin’ turn on me and kill me. And I can feel it. Every goddamn time.

R: Oh…

M: I uh… Give me a minute.

[Mari takes their phone out of their pocket and props it against a pillow where everyone is in frame. They can then be heard walking away.]

W: You do know we wouldn't do that, right? Even if someone in here tried, do you think any of us would let that happen, Edgar?

E: I know, it’s just… they’re so fucking real. And I can’t wake up from them, even if I tried.

R: Dad I…

E: Can’t even do any of those reality checks, either! None of them work. I’ve tried all of them, so many fucking times.

W: …how long have these been happening, dude?

[Edgar looks up at Will, before looking off to the side.]

E: Are you sure that you want to know?

W: If you feel comfortable telling us, man, then yes. We care for you, Edgar.

E: [A sigh.] They started around… a day? After I got let out of… you know.

W: That's why you pushed me away that one time? The nightmares?

R: Or why you've flinched a few times when talking with me?

E: … yeah. Sorry.

R: Don't apologise… I understand we all do.

W: Exactly. You have nothing to say sorry for, man. You can speak to us about these things.

E: I don’t know why I didn’t say anything, actually. I guess I just thought that telling you guys that I’ve been having nightmares about you brutally murdering me would bring the mood down.

R: Dude… I…

W: I'd rather you tell us then see you having a panic attack every night, man. We all would.

[Edgar nods again, breathing out slowly, trying to calm himself down.]

Sp: Talk is good. Keeps the mind healthy.

W: Exactly.

E: Um. So… would you mind if I talked about the details? Just a little?

R: Go ahead.

E: Alright. Uh… so, to explain the gun thing… after you guys all attacked me, I managed to get up and run out the door. But… someone shot me, back of the head.

W: Fuck, man..

R: Who… Do you know who?

[He wrings his hands, not looking at anyone in the room.]

W: You can tell us if you want man, don't feel pressured to.

E: [Quietly.] Rose.

R: …

[Rose coughs.]

R: [Quietly.] Oh.

E: Sorry.

W: please don't apologise.

R: What William said… I just… Didn’t expect that.

E: I… alright. I’m honestly just glad this one was with you guys. Because when it’s you, I can confirm that you wouldn’t do that. But, with others…

Sp: Others as in? If you are potentially referring to other friends. They wouldn't hurt you either.

E: Others as in Jenny, and Daff, and… Marv.

W:..we still haven't heard from Marv, have we-

Sp: MAMA WOULDN'T HURT YOU!

[Sparrow slams down on the side of the wagon only to be grabbed by Rose.]

R: Not now firecracker.

E: I know she wouldn’t, but it really doesn’t help when I thought that she would for about two and a half weeks! It’s a hard idea to get out of your head!

R: Well she wouldn't, I know it's hard to believe but it's true… She blamed herself everyday since that damn show thinking you were dead.

E: Some part of my brain is very intent on convincing me that she’d shove a shard of glass into my throat, though. I know she wouldn’t.

R: Yeah, brains do that don't they?

[Out of frame, and mildly distant. Mari can be heard loudly screaming out of anger.]

W: Ah. Shit.

R: I'll deal with them in a while.

[Edgar, who appears to have tensed up after Mari screamed, attempts to lower his shoulders.]

W: You're good Edgar, you're safe.

E: Mhm. It’s just… I’ve heard that many times. Brought up an old one I thought I could forget about.

R: Huh?

W: Oh shit, man.

E: Yeah. There’s… a lot of variety in what happens in those things.

W: Fuck..

[Just then, Mari comes storming into frame shouting.]

M: IF YOU THINK I'M GOING TO HURT YOU SO FUCKING BAD! YOU MAKE THE STUPID FUCKING ESCAPE PLAN!

[Mari throws a notebook at Edgar and a pen at Rose.]

M: BECAUSE IT WORKED SOOOOOO WELL LAST TIME! YOU FUCKING PLAN.

[Mari turns around and storms out of the hideout.]

R: I'll deal with that in a few minutes.

W: You know what? let me go after them. That was fucked.

R: Will buddy. I don't trust Sparrow alone with me and Edgar. Last time it was just me and him, he did donuts in the sonic parking lot.

[William seems to have his fists curled.]

W: Fine.

Sp: Uncle Edgar, are you ok?

[Edgar, who appears to have hunched his shoulders up again, as well as tensing up fully and leaning away from where Mari had come from, shakes his head slightly. His breathing sounds to be more shallow.]

W: Am I okay to come closer, man?

[A nod.]

[Will moves closer, sitting by his brother and just hugging him.]

R: Once Edgar is ok, I might not be back until the morning. Ethan? Can you make sure to do the night-time routine with Will in case Delilah doesn't come back before Will falls asleep?

?: Oh, yeah! ‘Course!

[Voice identified: Ethan Nestor.]

Eth: Where's the keys?

Sp: I have them in case Rose falls asleep or leaves. Because I never leave.

[Sparrow holds out the keys before putting them back in their pocket.]

R: Cuffs are connected to the metal pipe.

Eth: Okay, cool! Thank you both

R: Dad, is it cool if I leave?

E: [Quietly.] Yeah. Yeah it’s fine.

[Will is still hugging Edgar.]

R: Cool, any requests?

Sp: Can you kick them?

W: Send them my fucking “best” regards.

R: That is very fucking vague dude.

W: Bite. Punch. Swear. Yell. I don't know man, I'm angry.

E: … Please don’t hurt them too badly.

R: If they talk shit, I'll do what I have to do. I don’t take disrespect well.

W: Neither. Thank you.

R: Yep, later guys and Sparrow.

Sp: Bye bye.

W:..don't kill them.

R: I… Will try.

[Rose hops up and walks out of frame humming a song identified as “The hamster song.”]

[As soon as Rose is out of the hideout, Edgar looks up at the other people left, a very upset expression on his face.]

Sp: Yeah?

E: Today has… not been a good day for me, has it.

W: not everyday has to be, Edgar.

Sp: What Will said. I do not have many good days inside… As in mentally.

E: I’d rather have good days, though. I feel like I haven’t had many recently. With the whole… remasking and… other things.

W: That's a fair enough feeling, dude. I promise you, good days are coming.

Sp: They need to. Or aunt Rose might set this mall on fire.

E: I might do that, too.

W: Me three. Fucking secret santa is the least of our worries.

Sp: I just want to see Cassidy… And Mama.

E: You will, Sparrow. I swear on… what’s something I can swear on… hold on.

Sp: Hm…

W: Oh?

?: [TTS.] Ruby's grave?

[Voice identified: Peony.]

E: No, I… hm. Maybe on…? No, that’s…

P: [TTS.] Sparrow's legs?

Sp: Those don't work though…

W: I got nothing.

E: Fuck it. I swear on my parents graves that you’re going to see them.

Sp: Oh… I see.

P: [TTS.] How many people here. Have dead parents? Or birth parents. In Rose and Sparrow's case.

W: I mean, I'm an orphan. I have no fucking family outside here.

Sp: Incorrect. Edgar is you- Oh wait. Nevermind.

E: I can’t be everyone’s father. Will is more like a brother, than anything.

Sp: I WAS GONNA SAY BROTHER. I just didn't hear Will correctly.

E: Haha, yeah, I got that. I… my parents weren’t murdered or anything, Stacy said it was natural causes.

P: [TTS.] So. Everyone?

Sp: Actually, Rose's birth mom might still be alive according to Emi.

P: [TTS.] Rose's birth mom. Is a. [Loud beep.]

W: Well fair enough-

E: And, just for reference, I know that Mari’s father is dead for a fact.

P: [TTS.] Who?

E: Barely matters, he was a dick. His name was Tom.

Sp: Here let's try something.

P: [TTS.] Oh so another-

[Sparrow finishes Peony's sentence.]

Sp: -Bitch.

W: Yep.

E: Smart, and yeah. I snapped his neck with my crowbar a while back. No regrets.

P: [TTS.] Cool.

Sp: Yeah.

W: wish I could've got a hit on ‘em.

E: If you were there, I would’ve let you have a few. He was fun to hit. I wish I could do it again.

W: Honestly, seeing the transcript was satisfactory enough!

Sp: Hm… Hm…

E: Sorry, is this, uh, bothering you?

Sp: No, thinking.

Eth: do you guys want food or anything? I'm about to grab some for myself, so?

Sp: I'm fine.

Eth: Edgar? Will? You guys want anything?

E: If you don’t mind, yeah. Just anything is fine.

W: I'm good.

Eth: Okay! There should be some stuff over here!

[Ethan walks out of the camera frame.]

Sp: UGHHHHHHHH.

[Sparrow throws a soup can at a wall out of frame, it hits with a loud thud.]

E: Woah! Sparrow, what’s up?

Sp: I want a ham and cheese sandwich, and I want to remember my birth name.

E: Ah, well. I’ve been in one of those situations before. We’re working on it, I promise.

P: [TTS.] Speaking of. Working on it. Who is Marcy?

E: Some girl that was with Rose and Ruby, I don’t know too much about her, other than she’s been living in Vegas.

P: [TTS.] What is. Vegas.

E: It’s a place, I guess. Lots of gambling there.

P: [TTS.] Ew.

Sp: WAIT! Dad told me Ruby dated a girl named Marcy in high-school… Hm.

W: Oh? Ex lover maybe?

Sp: I dunno… It is… wholesome? how they were both in the mall at the same time.

W: I just feel sorry for both of them.

E: Hm…

Sp: Yes?

E: Sorry, just… the name is starting to sound really familiar.

W: Did you guys know each other maybe?

Sp: It's possible.

E: Maybe, if Ruby and Marcy were together in high school. Just have to think on it for a while.

Sp: Yeah…

W: I think they would've been?

Sp: He never said how long they dated, just that they did.

W: Hm..

E: Either way, we probably went to school at the same time.

P: [TTS.] Mari's phone is on. Hate to get in. The way. But it's on.

W: For fucks sake! Every time!

Sp: End transcript.

[Transcript ended.]

[rosetheex-editor]

[Begin video transcript.]

[Transcript begins from the floor, the camera propped up with an object facing someone's pant legs. Random boxes in the background, the room has almost no lighting, with the exception of a small light shining barely out of frame.]

?: I think I’m done with watching, Rose.

[Voice unidentified: Please try again later.]

?: I don’t believe there is a future for the foundation. Not with Showfall running everything.

?: Dude… What the fuck are you talking about?

[Voice identified: Rose.]

?: You don’t know what I’ve seen… What Showfall keeps in those damn tunnels. Something beyond my scope. Beyond what I could even conceive. I’ve seen the face of the Devil.

R: Dude I…-

?: I went into the tunnels… God, how long has it been? Fuck… months?

R: WHY? Why though?

?: Well I went there to try and find Edgar. Mostly since it’s kind of my job… was… but I also-.

R: Also what?

[The legs in frame unsteadily shift weight]

?: How long do you think he had planned it? I mean, I know there was a plan. I just didn’t think he would actually… I mean, surely he was just putting on a show, right? That’s what you showfall bunch are all about? Playing characters?

R: No… And if you say something like that again I'll kick your ass.

?: Right.

...

?: Rose, do you think Edgar killed himself because of me?

[Rose sighs.]

R: No, I think he did it because he felt there was no other way, it was die or be showfall's forever plaything to him I feel.

?: …Maybe it was for the best then. Maybe Edgar made the right choice. I would’ve done the same, knowing what I know now. Seeing what I’ve seen.

R: Dude… I… Can I show you something, maybe it will help… Maybe it won't.

?: You’re not going to kill me?

R: No you dumb motherfucker, you haven't given me a reason to.

?: Hm. I never understood you, Rose. I can stand on my own, for a bit at least.

R: Dude… I- Ok storytime I guess. Wanna know why I'm not scared of the security?

?: I suppose not. Where are you going with this?

R: They made me into one. I uh… Don't fucking like talking about it, but if it helps so be it huh?

[The figure shifts their weight again]

R: So. I uh… Hm, it uh was when I died? Or well… I didn't die cuz the gunshot didn't instantly kill me. Oh uh… Yeah my gun backfired on me once, anyway. Yeah a uh woman named Mai dragged my body, turned me into one of those… Things and threw me in the forest.

?: Things? You mean what I saw… That horrible amalgamation of man and machine…?

R: Yeah they uh… God, I'm really going to bring this up to the person who stalked me for months.

[Rose sighs and begins walking to sit in frame.]

R: They… Made my sister into one, it uh… I don't actually fully know if she's even… There anymore

[Rose's legs seemingly move, as she tries to pull something out of her pocket.]

?: You had a sister? They never mentioned that in your files. They must have deleted her off of their databases entirely. I’m sorry for your loss.

R: I don't… Fully think she's dead, I have some hope?

?: That’s good. Hope is the fuel that keeps us burning. It’s how I survived for so long down there. I only ever planned to be gone for a week at most, but I had no idea how big those tunnels were. I had no idea those… things existed. We have no record of any of Showfall’s experiments. And yet they’re essentially our only clients.

?: But I don’t think it matters anymore, now that I know. I’ll try and see if I can un-fuck the watcher program, show them my findings, but… I think it’s over. Showfall has so much more power than I ever realized. Even if we wanted to completely raid the premises, we would stand no chance against those things.

?: It’s only a matter of time before Showfall takes over the Watcher Program. We have held our technology over their head for too long

R: Great… MORE shit to worry about.

?: It won’t be the first time they’ve done this, you know. Showfall has some dark history. Their money is dirty, worse than ours even. We always knew Showfall was ahead of us technologically, but I had no idea they were doing this.

[Rose sighs again.]

R: Wanna know something?

?: Sure, hit me.

R: When I escaped. I had a whole plant on my back. These fuckers did not catch me.

?: Like, a regular potted plant?

R: No. A potted plant in a backpack. They might have been busy with other rebels but like… Dude.

?: That is a rather impressive oversight.

[Rose looks over to her phone, finally noticing the camera.]

?: Has that been recording me?

R: Showfall tech. I hate you SO MUCH.

[End transcript.]

[riddle-me-ri]

For the hyperfixation ask: 💕

Cuz I'm curious!

💕: Tell us about one of your favorite characters and why you like them!

Oh gosh, um...where do I start, and with what fandom umm...hmm. So I'll just uh chose one for each and give a wee description lol.

Also spoilers for Across The Spider-Verse!

Batman: Although I adore a lot of the Rogues, the Riddler became my favorite because I just...related to him and his insecurities? In most iterations, he's trying to prove himself to an abusive father (sometimes mom) figure that couldn't give two shits about him and he's spent most of his life trying to prove to someone-- anyone his worth. And for someone like me who spent most of her life pleasing others to validate my worth...it was just easy to see his struggle and relate.

Into/Across The Spider-Verse: Oh gosh...this is so hard, I love the Spider-Gang so much I swear...but I think I'll use this as a chance to explain why Miguel is one of my favorites The absolute contrast he poses from the other Spider-Men is interesting. I adore the way the filmmakers told us so much about him in such a short time frame. He wasn't always cold, or aggressive...he's been traumatized, he's seeking redemption in one of the most controlling ways. I doubt he sleeps and he's only eating so he can continue to fuel himself for his intense workouts so he can always be the strongest, fastest, etc. I don't agree with his theory (it's very clear Miles is a clean slate), but I can't blame him entirely for freaking out at the idea of the spider-verse collapsing. He's just a really rich and complex character that isn't right or wrong and ambiguous characters like that are fairly difficult to write well.

American McGee's Alice/Alice Madness Returns: As much as I just wanna say Alice (a young woman taking back her mental health and trauma and finding her inner healing? Yes please!) but I absolutely love Cheshire. He's a smart-ass, and fairly brutal...but he's honest and while his delivery is brash...he does care for Alice. His design is one of my favorite Cheshire Cat designs of all time and his voice is AMAZING

Fables/The Wolf Among Us: I fucking adore Bigby Wolf. I'm a huge softy for the gruff, tough exterior types but genuinely have a heart of gold. Bigby is another character that's just rich in complexities and the man is doing everything he can to do the right thing and be better but is constantly having his past thrown back in his face and yet as easy as it is to give in he doesn't (not unless...necessary anyway). This makes him perfect for choice-based video games, do you wanna prove he's changed or just give in to the wolf that lies underneath? Also, also...you should also know that your girl is a huge, huge, huge, werewolf fan. I fucking love werewolves so that was an instant plus lmao sorry vampire-loving mutuals lmao